fear

This is sad. I only write here when I'm upset about something. Oh well.
On to fear. This is pathetic. My greatest fear is that I might turn into my mother. I know, I know, everyone says that we all turn into our mothers but I disagree. Not everyone, and I sincerely hope that I am not one of them. She is psychotic. I honestly think she needs to seek professional help (instead of sending me, because she thinks I'm the problem).
She is so up and down. I cannot be like that. I prize myself on my rationality (if that's a word). She is the most irrational person I have met in my life. She never allows me to explain myself. I would hate to turn into that. And right now, she is a "that" to me. Not my mother, a mean psycho being that has taken over her body.
I guess I'm just afraid that if I become like her people will feel about me the way I do about her now. A combination of fear and hate.

Parenting

So, I am not a parent. Technically. However, I am lucky enough to have a parent who acts more like a spoiled child than a mother. Joy. I have to be the parent. The best part is that she freaks out every time this is made evident by anyone. She needs to accept it.

When you lack judgement, whether you're 5 or 45, people tend to think they need to make decisions for you. And why not? If the irrational decisions you make...including say, being epileptic and driving an hour and a half under stress, could be harmful to you and others why is it that someone around you doesn't have the right to say "You're an idiot and I am going to stop you from doing this"? Frankly, they should. It doesn't matter how much it upsets you, you can't make the decision.

Even rational solutions aren't acceptable apparently. Such as her getting dropped off, or heaven forbid LEARNING TO BE ON TIME for once in her life.

This could be more acceptable if the person isn't a parent, and doesn't think that being a parent gives them special rights to be irrational, violent, or cruel to get what they think needs to be done done. Of course, since the person in question in my situation is my parent I am shit out of luck.

If she acted more like a parent it would be different. Don't get me wrong, I like how she is a friend too, but she cannot learn to have any consistency. If she wants to be my friend, she should be my friend. If she wants to be my parent, she should be my parent. She should not pretend to be my best friend, and then randomly go back to being a parent. It messes with my head too much. I cannot deal with it.

Then she wonders why I act like a parent when she is being immature and/or hypocritical. I don't get it.

Anyway, now I'm in my room avoiding the psycho bitch...not visiting my grandparents and not going out later, because my mother is crazy and thinks that she has a right to be a parent. She thinks she has the right to respect. Well, respect is earned, and she has not earned it. And she has had so many brain issues that she really cannot make every decision on her own like she thinks she can. It would be one thing if it was insignificant, it is entirely another when it interferes with the rest of the household's happiness and well being.

girls

Anyone besides me notice how all groups of girls are essentially the same? (I haven't observed boys enough to be able to tell if they're the same way or not).There is always "that girl".

The biggest one I've noticed is the one who is there to be teased (T) and make the other girls have better self esteem. It's disgusting, but I see it everywhere. She tends to be the nicest one in that particular group, which makes her an easy target. If they aren't mean to her upfront, they talk about her behind her back. It's terrible. She has few to no allies, not because she isn't personable, but because the other girls like to keep it that way.

There is another girl in a group purely for the self esteem of the other "friends" (C). She may not be sweet, but they have her there because she is either rotund or unattractive. Just looking at her gives the other girls a boost of confidence, as sad as it is. Also, I've noticed, she never notices that is her position. Unlike T, C does not need to deal with snide or mean remarks from her friends.

The jealous one (J) is also found in many groups. She is the girl who tends to be meanest to T, usually because T is an easy target. J loves attention, and what better way than to make T's life miserable? J knows T won't leave, because no one wants the awkwardness of changing cliques during the school year.

The outsider (O) is trying to break in to the group. She has many different strategies, including (not limited to) starting gossip, projecting herself into situations she is not involved with, and being extremely nice to the members of the group. O can be annoying or endearing. Not every group has one, but many do.

I'll stop now. If anyone out there is reading me, do you think this is accurate, or do you think I'm just crazy?

Zulu

Stay out of my space. You have a place, you're dominant there. Stay on your own side. You don't need to be here. You're not wanted. They don't like you as much as they pretend to. I don't know why. I don't like you, and I don't even attempt to make you think otherwise. Then again, you're fake too. Stop pretending you can think like us. You can't. You belittle us when you're not near us. You can NEVER have the artistic dream and vision that we have. Don't try to understand it. Stop acting like I don't belong. It's my place, and it has been my place. You don't understand that I can see through you. Act like you're a decent human being all you want. I know it isn't true, and I'm not the only one.

Winning...really

So as I have said, I don't know what I'm doing with this or who is reading it. Anyway, I think that it is time I begin to do with this what many people do with their blogs. Write about my life and any thoughts I may have in the most pompous pretentious way possible. Here goes.

They always teach you that winning is something you want. Winning can help you achieve, can help you along in life. You get honor and prestige, maybe money or some other material thing. It's nice for awhile. It's nice until you lose. I pose a question:

Is it better to win or to not win?

The answer is obviously different to everyone, but personally I would rather not. Well, that depends. The lottery yes, of course. A raffle or random drawing? Sure. Something that I have invested personal interest in? Nope.

That sounds stupid and bitchy (I bet this whole thing does) but hear me out (and keep in mind I am going through a bit of a rough time with this): When you never win you don't get used to winning. You don't have the pressure to continue to excel because you have not been recognized. You do not get the stress which comes from that pressure. You don't have to stand by and watch yourself get stripped of your title, because you never had a title! You can do what you do as best as you can, doing what you want, and you learn to do it for you. You don't do it for the judge or the clock. You do it for YOU.

Yeah. Maybe some people can keep themselves after a winning streak. If you are one of those people I'd love to take lessons from you. I certainly can't. I thought I could, but it was always at the back of my mind. Maybe I'm crazy. I don't know. I could just be disappointed in myself because I have a had a fall from grace and it was not very graceful.

Ok, that's definitely it. But I still want to know. If anyone reads this, do they think I'm petty? Illogical? Honest?

First Post

I have no clue what I am doing with this. Oh well.